KeFactors Friday: When Trust Has Been Broken

Every human relationship involves an emotional contract. It may be formal, a trigger for work, such as signing a non-disclosure agreement with an employer. Or it may be a deeply complex pledge that’s formal, legal, moral, and spiritual — vows of marriage are, perhaps, the most common of these, and, very likely, the ones most frequently broken. But for this blog, we’re talking only about workplace betrayals.

A breach or betrayal of trust has an immediate effect: it confuses and disorients the one who’s been betrayed. It’s a negative game-changer. Suddenly every aspect of the relationship has to be reviewed: what has the past really meant? What were the more recent signs, and did they all point to trouble? Was there any deception and has it been of long standing? Does this relationship have any future? Can the betrayer ever be trusted again?

Immediately after this distress, there’s the need for justice. Scales must be rebalanced. Equilibrium must be regained. In the process, don’t be surprised to find the entire relationship being re-evaluated for its overall value.

So what do you do if you’re the one who’s been betrayed?

• Take your mind off revenge, because that’s not justice or equilibrium. Fortunately, work involves tangible deliverables, so focus on keeping yourself professionally intact and above reproach. No matter how badly you’ve been burned, deliver on your commitments. “Being the adult” will only inspire more respect and trust for you. You’ll recover equilibrium faster this way than focusing on how to get even.

• Confront the betrayer and ask for a candid assessment of what happened, and what needs to happen, going forward. I don’t mean a knock-down-drag-out confrontation. I mean a rational, dignified inquiry into their motives which, if they’re legit, should not be difficult to discuss openly. It could, after all, have been a misunderstanding or misstep. If you tend to be indirect, this would now be a time to not mince words. Don’t pussyfoot around. “As I see it, this is what was done to me and here are some of the consequences I’ve had to deal with as a result. I need to know why you did this and what I can expect from you in future.”

• Let it go. You may not get what you want from that discussion. Chronic betrayers act from cowardly impulses—they act badly, then can’t own up to it, so they often pretend it was a honest mistake, or that you simply got it wrong. Let it go. The strain of carrying the grudge or memory will only deter you, not your betrayer.

Relationships can come out stronger for having navigated crises of trust. The air gets cleared, the exact measures of loyalty and respect are renewed, and life moves on.

If you imagine your life as a series of concentric circles, you’ll see that the individuals you trust and respect most occupy the innermost circle closest to you. The upside to betrayal is that you get instant, crystal-clear insights on that other person—details you may not have had cause to perceive. But with the betrayal, they’ve proven themselves to be unworthy of your trust, so it’s entirely fair to remove them from that inner circle. If they want to regain it, leave it up to them to choose when and how they’ll do so.

You keep moving forward.

A to Z Guide to Selling More: N is for Need

Sales happen faster when a customer needs what you sell. Determining if the customer needs it is part of the qualification process. And if you really want to cut to the chase and find out if the customer does think your product or service is necessary, learn to ask (in a nice way of course), “Do you see my product as something that helps you answer a need?”

There is nothing wrong with asking a direct question and getting answers quicker speed up the sales cycle.

A to Z Guide to Selling More: M is for Meetings

When you're cold calling, ask for a meeting instead of an appointment. We've appointments with the dentist. We meet with colleagues. By changing one word, you can change the dynamics of a call and get more face-time with potential customers.

KeFactors Friday: Trust - Building Relationships Versus Claiming Rights to Them

Last week I mentioned “karmic panhandlers,” those people who hope to benefit from large concepts of trust and respect without proving themselves worthy of such investment.

A few years ago I was approached by a mother from my kid's school. She said she'd worked for years in marketing and, as they were newly relocated, asked if she could have lunch with me about freelance work prospects here in town. Long story short, what began as a professionally extended invitation boiled down to this:

Me: “So have you tried cold-calling prospects here?”

She: “No.”

Me: “Have you tried interviewing with the big companies in town?”

She: (shifting uncomfortably) “No.”

Me: “What is it you'd like me to help you with?”

She: “I just thought, maybe, if you had some accounts you needed help with...or, um, clients you wanted to offload....”

A more professional response from her would’ve been along the lines of, “I was wondering if we could consider partnering up to go after opportunities we might not otherwise get on our own.” It would imply a willingness to work, to share risks and skills-building, and to take the time to build a collaboration.

Instead, when I demurred, she got into some remarks about how, as professional working moms, we automatically belonged to a network of mutual respect and support (ie, you owe me your help). She struck me as wrongheaded—far more aware of the standards to which she held other people than herself. And I didn’t understand the resistance to cold calling. As awful as cold calling seems, it is actually the initiation of new relationships. It seems less horrible when you regard it that way.

Trust is no different than loyalty or credibility—it has to be built and earned. It may have a stated value (“Seriously, you can trust me”) but the real proof is in how each individual takes action. They have to demonstrate they know how to help themselves. They have to know how to initiate, versus relying on others to do that for them. (And it helps to know how to follow up, because how do you learn to trust someone who never follows up with you, or does so in a spotty way?)

A to Z Guide to Selling More: L is for Loyalty

Eighty percent of customers are satisfied and twenty percent are loyal. Loyal customers give you the majority of their business. They understand your value and are willing to pay a higher price to get it. They see you as different from your competition.

Get out a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. In one column, listen to your satisfied customers. In the other column, list your loyal ones.

Study your list and look for ways to convert satisfaction into loyalty.

A to Z Guide to Selling More: K is for Kindness

You call a prospect. They answer the phone. You barely have a chance to introduce yourself before they cut you off. They stab you with a cutting comment about annoying salespeople before slamming the phone down.

You have a choice. You could get angry. After all, what right do they have to treat you like that?

Or you could be kind. You could bless them and then dial the next person on your list.

Me—I opt for kindness and here is why. You just never know what is going on in people's lives. We tend to assume when someone is rude to us they are having a bad day. But for plenty of folks out there, it is a lot worse than that. They could be coping with money or marriage problems. They could be worried about losing their job-- or losing a loved one who is suffering from a terminal disease.

So cut the other folks on this planet some slack when they don’t treat you well. Be kind because kindness really does make a difference in this world.